Getting hot about the heat
Not ‘fine’ with using too much water and too much electricity
One of our granddaughters stayed with us last week and now I’m concerned that the city might fine us.
We apparently have a water ration in the big city of Springpatch since it’s been so dry lately. The lakes and rivers are down, so we need to watch our collective water usage so we’ll have enough for drinking water, fighting fires and flushing toilets.
I’m not sure which of those three is most important, but those are the top three in some order.
I hear that we’ll now be fined if we go over our normal water usage. It’s hearsay because I didn’t get any letter from the city. I’m not sure how you can fine people for a new rule when you didn’t tell them what the rule is. I suppose it was in the news, but I must have missed it.
You can see my concern here, can’t you? We had an extra person in the house last week. How could we not go over our average usage? You can look at my lawn and tell that I wasn’t using any water there, but how can I prove it was legitimate water usage?
And what about these people who water their lawns all summer long. Their normal usage already includes lawn watering. Am I to assume that they can continue to water their yards without penalty, but I can’t have a house guest for a week? Or at least not a house guest who showers?
Something doesn’t seem quite fair here.
Well, I haven’t been fined yet, but if I am, you can be sure that I’ll be all kinds of angry. I’m a little angry now just thinking I might be fined. I almost want to be fined so I can take out my anger down at City Hall.
I’ll probably end up in jail just because a little girl took a shower while some water hog down the street flooding his rose garden goes unabated. I tell you, life is potentially unfair.
The irony is that last week or the week before, the word came down from on high that there was a burning ban within the city. It’s so dry that any outdoor fires are temporarily against the law.
As anti-authoritative as I am, I didn’t get too worked up about this particular rule because, c’mon, who in their right mind is burning anything outdoors right now, anyway. It’s been like 180 degrees outside since February — not exactly backyard barbecue weather.
And in Springpatch, you can’t burn your trash or your leaves, anyway. What’s left to burn but desire? I don’t even burn that anymore.
But then, it dawned on me. I think the city just outlawed smoking cigars on my back porch. Is that not a fire? If I were to flick the ash outside, the whole neighborhood could go up in flames.
But the irony is — I mentioned there would be irony — the irony is if there is a small fire, we can’t use the garden hose to put it out. That would put us over our normal water usage and we’d be fined for doing a good deed.
Now I’m angry all over again. Here I am, potentially saving the neighborhood from almost certain doom while Aquaman over there is spraying his goldenrod and dousing his black-eyed susans. Meanwhile, my hostas look more like hostages and my stand of bamboo is now bamboo-hoo. The weeping willow won’t stop crying, which is upsetting the dehydrangea.
In our yard, the only thing still green is our envy for Aquaman’s lawn. And a four-foot tall dandelion that I can’t cut down because the cord on my electric chainsaw isn’t long enough.
I guess I should be glad that our water bill is pretty reasonable, but my joy is offset by the electric bill, which was as high for July as it was for May and June combined.
Maybe if I sprayed the roof down with water to help cool the house, the two bills would equalize. But then I’d be fined and now I’m angry again.
I think it’s the heat; it gets to you. I need to cool off. Whether that’s with water or air conditioning, I reckon I’m going to pay for it one way or another.
(c) Copyright 2012 by David Porter who can be reached at email@example.com. All rights reserved. On the plus side, we haven’t used our oven for a month; we just turn the air conditioner off and set the food on the table. Within a few minutes, it cooks itself.